Premier League : And They're Off ...

The new season is nearly upon us and the Premier League managers are frantically trying to get all their their houses in order before the big kick off. But whose head will roll first?

STEVE BRUCE

Steve has been flashing the cash like a man with no arms, making bids for every man and his dog. This either signals a serious bid for Europe, or simple desperation to not join the Geordies in the fizzy pop League. I preferred the other manager who looked like Mick McManus, so I hope Bruce gets the bullet and they re-instate the other bloke. He was much funnier.

Odds : 7-1

MARK HUGHES

No pressure Mark! Given the amount of money sloshing about in the blue half of Manchester, the best thing Sparky could do would be to get himself the elbow as quickly as possible. The severance pay would then enable him to buy every other team in the League and still have change for a jumbo jet. And a small island in the Maldives.

Odds : 3-1.

CARLO ANCELOTTI

Given Chelsea’s recent track record of offing gaffers, Ancelotti’s arse could be forgiven for twitching, despite his recent arrival. Common sense says that he has a clean slate and will be given every chance to deliver the goods for his Russian overlord. However, sense isn’t that common in football. His best bet would be to get rid of the sulkers in the team, even that would only leave him with Joe Cole and the kit man.

Odds : 5-1

ALEX FERGUSON

Like the statues on Easter Island, Fergie remains a craggy and impervious fixture at the English Champions. Despite threatening retirement more times than Frank Sinatra, old Bacon Face will probably still be managing United from beyond the grave, his coffin propped up on the touchline, the furious sound of gum chewing and watch tapping coming from within.

Odds : 250 – 1

RAFA BENITEZ

Judging from the way he managed to oust Rick Parry from the board of directors last season, it would seem that Rafa’s word at Anfield carries more weight than … However, that tell-tale glint of madness is never far from the Spaniard’s eye and if Fergie starts the mind games early doors, we could well see Rafa crumble like a Digestive in a hot mug of tea well before Christmas.

Odds : 6-1

ARSENE WENGER

Despite having a policy of not signing anyone over the age of twelve and not attempting to win anything again ever, Wenger seems to have his feet nailed to the floor under the Emirates table. Mind you, if he did get sent his notice he would probably claim to have been looking the other way and not seen it.

Odds : 25-1

ROY HODGSON

Good old Woy. Managed to drag Fulham back from the brink of adversity and push for a place in Euwope. Sacking Hodgson would be as cruel and as pointless as snatching a teddy bear off a toddler and throwing it in a muddy puddle. Safe as cottages.

Odds : 12 - 1

MARTIN O’NEILL

Despite being hotly tipped for the Old Trafford role in the event of Ferguson spontaneously combusting on the touchline, O’Neill clings grimly to Aston Villa like a Page 3 girl clings to Ashley Cole’s leg as he emerges from a West End Nightclub. As always, Villa will start off like a house on fire and then finish like a sandcastle washed away by the tide.

Odds : 10-1

OWEN COYLE

Like an apprentice juggler newly recruited to a travelling circus, Coyle will be forgiven for every trip, fumble and fuck up. Guaranteed to keep his job purely cos the board are painfully aware that no other fucker would ever dream of moving to Burnley.

Odds : 20-1

PAUL HART

Given that Portsmouth are about to be snapped up by another gang of Arabs with bulging pockets and lofty ambitions. Paul may as well pack his kit bag now and stand by the side of the road with his thumb held out and a sign saying JOB CENTRE, PLEASE. Never mind. He’ll be welcomed with open arms at Southampton.

Odds : 3-1

TONY PULIS

Dour, no-nonsense Tony, with his blunt persona and his route-one tactics would be more suited to a position in the Traffic Planning Department in Stoke On Trent City Council. Has the backing of the fans, which counts for fuck all these days, but at least if he gets the boot he’ll have plenty of mates down the Job Centre.

Odds : 8-1

HARRY REDKNAPP

Harry and Spurs go together like a boiled egg and soldiers. Despite them being another club with a revolving door on the manager’s office. Big H is the Pearly King of Norf Lahndan, and it’s hard to see him being shifted from the Tottenham Hotseat. Barring some major scandal involving bungs, birds or boozing, Harry should be sweet as a nut

Odds : 5-1.

GIANFRANCO ZOLA

Little cuddly Zola seems to be able to charm the pants off everyone he meets. Even opposing fans seem to have taken a shine to him. The Hammers seem to be one of them clubs who have no lofty aspirations for anything other than playing decent football and avoiding the drop, both of which they seem to manage year after year. As such, the diminutive Italian will probably stay in East London. Unless someone makes him an offer he can’t refuse. Or he makes them one.

Odds : 10-1

ROBERTO MARTINEZ

David Whelan seems to be one those old-fashioned football chairman, a local tycoon made good who takes the sensible long term view and backs his chosen manager through thick and thin. No-one ever seems to leave Wigan on bad terms, so it’s hard to see how Martinez can fuck this one up. I suppose he could always ring Paul Jewell up at Derby and ask him for a few tips.

Odds : 15-1

MICK McCARTHY

On the face of it McCarthy is as dull as ditch water and as flat as a Yorkshire Pudding, but he does have a happy knack of winding people up. His relationship to Wolves Football Club is a bit like a randy pensioner chasing a nurse in a rest home - he seems to have spent ages trying to get it up. Will have at least one season’s grace. Most likely to say “bollocks” in his post match interview on MOTD.

Odds : 12 – 1

ALEX McCLEISH

Big Eck! McCleish should know all about pressure at the top, given his managerial experience at International level. But let’s not forget that that level was with Scotland, a nation who would be currently hard pressed to beat the South Khuzestan Girls Team. Besides, he’s ginger, which always plays havoc with the colour contrast on my telly. And they’ve just signed Lee Bowyer. So I hope they get rid.

Odds : 5-1

SAM ALLARDYCE

Big Sam wont be shifted from Blackburn. Unless of course a big club offers him a big deal. Or someone offers him a big brown envelope and there’s some big scandal. No, actually, on second thoughts forget that. I don’t want him sending any big misters round.

Odds : 17-1

COLIN MOYES

Every season there seems to be talk of Moyes moving on to a bigger or better club than Everton but for some bizarre reason he seems to like it on Merseyside. Andy Burnham, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, called him “fine example to everybody in government of stability and making the right decisions for the long term” Given that a vote of confidence from this government is like being handed the Black Spot by Blind Pugh in Treasure Island, expect Moyes to be on his peddler by late August.

Odds : 4-1

GARY MEGSON

Possibly the dullest manager of the lot, even duller than Pulis and McCarthy. As such, he will go totally un-noticed by everybody throughout the entire season, including the chairman, the players and the fans. A bit like a chameleon sitting on a cardboard box on a municipal rubbish tip in the middle of winter.

Odds : 33-1

PHIL BROWN

A god among men who will win the Premier League. Pundits will eat their words and sales of St Tropez will soar.

Odds : 2,000 – 1