Is There Anybody There?

I wrote a few sketches for a Tv show a couple of years ago. Here's one of the out-takes. 

Grandson enters Nan’s front room. There is a man sat on the sofa with a cup of tea balanced on his knee. A silver haired man in his late fifties, a touch of the “care in the community” about him.

Grandson  :  Hello Nan .. (to man, inquiringly) Hello?

Nan  :  (clearly excited) Oh you’re just in time … this is Dennis. Remember I told you about him? He’s got the gift … he can speak to the other side!

Grandson  :  Wow! You’re a psychic?

Dennis   :  I’ve heard voices since I was a child. I always say .. it can be a gift .. or a curse. But we do what we can.

Nan  :  He’s gonna get in touch with my Sidney for me!

Dennis   :   Well we shall try Mrs Taylor  … Remember, I can’t promise that we’ll get Sidney, we just have to make ourselves available to the spirit world and see what happens

Nan  :  Oh no, he’ll be here mark my words …… I can feel his presence already

Dennis :  OK, well, we need to create the right ambience to encourage the spirits .. could you draw the curtains while I start my music.

PUTS ON HIS TAPE – “WIND BENEATH MY WINGS” PLAYED ON PAN PIPES. DENNIS SITS DOWN, SIGHS, ROLLS HIS EYES AND RELAXES INTO A SLUMP

Grandson (whispering) What’s happening?

Nana  :  (whispering) Shaddap! He’s creating an ambleance!

Grandson  :  I think he’s stopped breathing.

Nan  :  He better not have done, this is costing me thirty quid

Grandson  :  Thirty pounds?

Nan  :  Shat yer marf! Ere, look!

Dennis stirs from his slumber and sits bolt upright – TAPE FADES OUT

Nan  :  Sydney? … Sydney, is that you love? 

DENNIS STARTS TALKING IN A SLOW DEEP AMERICAN DRAWL

Dennis  :  Howdy folks. Sure nice of y’all to ask me to join ya …

Nan  :  Oo the fack are you?!?!?!?

Dennis  :  Mah name is Silas Eugene Lewis The Third…

Nan  :  Lewis the third!?! What’s he talking about? Where’s Sidney?! (leans across to shake him) DENNIS! I THINK YOU GOT A CROSSED LINE LOVE!!! 

Grandson  :  Nan, don’t touch him! It might be dangerous! Here. Let me talk to him – (addresses him in a loud and deliberate tone) WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

Dennis  :  I was born and raised in Memphis Tenessee …

Grandson  :  WHAT – DID – YOU – DO – THERE?

Nan  :  What you talking like that for? He’s facking dead not deaf!

Dennis  :  I lived on the farm with mah mah and mah pah … and they raised me right, to act like a gentleman and to always work hard and pay mah way and

Grandson  :  Wow! Was you a cowboy?

Dennis  :  Well you could say that little feller. We had a few cattle, a little livestock. Ah worked on the farm all the hours of the day that God would send … corn …. Barley …. Wheat … squash

Nan  :  (who has been looking increasingly unimpressed) Ere, I got a question (adopts the same deliberate loud tone of grandson) Ere, gobshite – What - have - you - done – with - my – husband?

Grandson  :  Nan!

Nan  :  Well! I arsked him for Sidney and we get Jerry Lee Fackin Lewis!

DENNIS STIRS - HE COMES OUT OF THE TRANCE

Nan :  Ooh, hang about …

Dennis  :  (blinking his eyes open) Oh … Did Sidney come through Mrs Taylor? Did he speak to you?

Nan  :  Oh he did love! Clear as a bell! Wonderful it was, wonderful, oh you have made me so happy I can never thank you enough son …

Dennis  :  Oh I’m so glad because you know I did say I cant always control who comes through ..

Nan  :  Oh no it was my Sidney all right, don’t you worry about that … I couldn’t mistake that voice anywhere ….

Dennis  :  What did he say?

Nan  :  Oh, he said he was very happy and he said that heaven was wonderful and he’ll be  waiting up there for me when it’s my turn … oh it was wonderful Dennis, what an amazing experience

Dennis :  Oh I am so glad Mrs Taylor – well, I’ll best be off. It does take it out of you y’know, I think I’d best get back home and have a nice lie down..

Nan  : Yes you get back to the home love, you have nice rest … Here you go – (gets her purse, gives him a handful of tenners – he says his goodbyes and leaves)

(pause)

Nan  :  WHAT A FACKING LIBERTY! The cheating conniving twisting little charlatan! Psychic my old arse! He must think I fell off a facking Christmas tree! And you! You were no use – sitting there grinning like a  simpleton while THAT twisting robbing bastard takes advantage of a poor old pensioner! Oh I don’t think I’ll ever get over this!

Grandson  :  Come on Nan, don’t get upset …I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.

He goes into the kitchen and starts assembling cups, milk etc. We see Nan tip-toeing up behind, stifling a giggle.

Nan  :  “WOOOOOOOOHHHH!” (cackles manically)