Hello. I’m Hugh Emlyn Hylands, Head of Hylands Estate, Seventh Earl of Chelmsford and World Renowned Wildlife Expert. Against all better judgement, I have agreed to host this years V Festival. Welcome to my land. This is mine – all of it. There may be some among you who are labouring under the hippy dippy notion that God owns all the land. Well, he may own some of it, or indeed most of it, but he certainly doesn’t own this bloody bit. And I have the correct legal deeds to prove it. Anyway, I won’t hide the fact that I know absolutely nothing about modern music, but I do know my wildlife. And having studied the landscape in advance, here is my invaluable guide to the some of the sights and sounds you may encounter this weekend:
Amy Winehouse Parrot – The outlandish plumage of the Amy Winehouse Parrot should make her easy to spot in the most shaded of solitary branches or the most packed of gatherings – wild, colourful, cock-a-hoop and exuberant, this wonderful bird is a born performer, especially when prompted with noodle soup and a mirror. Although the Winehouse can utter a few rudimentary words when prompted, it is most noted for its deep-throated bluesy wail. Especially when jostling for position at the watering hole.
Foo Fighter Stallion– There can be no more awe-inspiring sight than the Foo Fighter Stallion in full hurtling mane-tossing flow. Like the theme to Black Beauty played on screaming Gibson Flying Vees. Marvelous. Tried to capture one in oils once. Failed miserably I’m afraid. So I shot it and had it mounted above the fireplace.
Basement Jaxx – The natural habitat of the Basement Jack is of course indoors, in a basement. However, when wheedled blinking and nervous into the outside world, these little chaps waste no time mounting a tiny plastic wheel, a pair of headphones welded to their heads, pedaling furiously to a mind bending mix of punk funk disco and house.
Happy Mondays Monkey – A word of caution – as you pass through the thickest part of the woodland watch out for the mischievous Happy Monday Monkeys. Usually to be found lurking playfully near their friend the skunk, these lolling lolloping simians seem cute and endearing enough at first, but approach with caution. On no account must you offer them food or try to play with them. The amount of times those little buggers have had my deerstalker off and then pelted me with beer cans! It’s enough to make my blue blood boil!
Lilly Allen Butterfly – Emerging gently, blinking and wide eyed from Her Space, the Lilly Allen Butterfly flitters around the landscape in a state of perpetual drunken giddy joy. The only sound is the gentle beating of her wings. And her gob.
Primal Scream Wolf - If camping upon my land (57 acres), your evening may be punctured by the tortured howl of the Primal Scream Wolf. These hungry lean figures of the night gather in ragged packs and circle inviting campfire glow, eagerly seeking out any revelers foolish enough to stray. My advice is to ward the buggers off with fire. If that doesn’t work, try earplugs. Even if you do get dragged off and eaten alive, it should at least drown out the endless howling.
Damien Rice Owl – Blessed is the chap or young person that has the good fortune to have his evenings reverie suddenly sound-tracked by the mournful, haunting call of the Damien Rice Owl. Wise beyond its tender years, its anguished hoot offers a strangely stirring night song to the wistful dispossessed birds of the woodland. And all this from just two notes. Astonishing
Babyshambles – If you happen to pass a hedgerow and your ear is caught by a gentle slurred low pitched mumbling, do not be alarmed. You may have inadvertently disturbed a snoozing Baby Shamble Porcupine from his summer slumbers. Simply lift the hapless little fellow carefully from his bed, re-adjust his safety blanket of moss and bracken and lay him gently back down again. Watch out for the needles.
Anyway, that’s the local wildlife, in all its colourful cacophonous glory. Enjoy yourselves by all means, but don’t leave any mess behind for God’s sake. Have you any idea how much help costs these days? And don’t forget to shut the bloody gate behind you.
No comments:
Post a Comment