Me Rockford's Are Playing Up

Seeing as how Hull City might soon be slipping through the dreaded trapdoor down into the Fizzy Pop League, I thought it best to re-acquaint meself with lower division football in anticipation of next season. So a couple of weeks ago I went with my mate Steve and 5,000 other willing victims to see Tranmere play Hereford at Prenton Park on a draughty Monday night. The match itself was OK, a home win, a sending off and a nice cup of beef tea, but the most amusing part of it for me was Tranmere’s run out music: The Rockford Files!

      Now, I’ve heard some odd choices of music over the years – Crewe Alexandria coming out to “Simply The Best”, Sheffield Utd setting their boots on stun to “Theme From Star Wars”. Perhaps the maddest one was Leyton Orient using Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass, which made you think you were stood in a Spanish Orange Grove rather than a freezing cold tin shed in a shitty corner of East London. But The Rockford Files tops the lot! And even though it’s an ace bit of classic wiggly keyboard 70’s soundtrack, I was struggling to find any connection whatsoever between a bunch of raggy arsed plaggy scousers and a square jawed private investigator who lived in a mobile home and wore tacky tan coloured jackets. Was it in reply to their neighbours at Goodison Park using Z Cars? Where they trying to up the ante by going all glamorous and trans-Atlantic? Did James Garner have a poster of John Aldridge in his mobile home?

      The real reason turned out to be a bit more drearily obvious. Turns out that the feller who used to put the records on at Prenton Park once stuck it on during a particularly barren run, and Tranmere won the match convincingly. So he played it the next week and the week after, and they kept winning. He didn’t play it for the next game, and they lost. So naturally it made a comeback, and it’s stuck ever since.

       It strikes me that other teams should take a leaf out of Tranmere’s book and adopt a TV Crime Fighting Theme Tune as their music to run out to. It’s a lot more amusing than the standard shite most clubs use, which is either some self consciously “modern” techno nonsense like Fatboy Slim, or some dreary “ironic” dirge from years ago like Stoke’s “Delilah”. The theme tunes from the TV Cop Shows were fantastic – imagine Millwall running out to the belligerent cockney foot stomp of “The Sweeney”, or Blackpool coming out to that stirring seaside classic “Hawaii Five Oh”.

        Who else? What about Newcastle Utd? They could do with some pre-match inspiration. Let’s have a think … Alan Shearer and Ian Dowie …. Two wise-cracking young bucko’s who get called upon to solve a difficult case, and usually only have about 48 hours to save the day? It’s obvious innit! Send the Magpies out to “Starsky and Hutch”, and watch the results roll in.

         There’s loads more, when you think about it. Oxford United had a brief and embarrassing period when they used a Gary Glitter track. What better way to redeem themselves then to adopt the wistful yet gently stirring strains of the closing credits to Inspector Morse? Local pride and a touch of class in one fell swoop. Likewise Halifax Town, who also used a tune by the Bacofoil-clad Border Botherer. They could wipe the slate clean by emerging from the tunnel all jaunty and upbeat to the Theme From Heartbeat. They could even have someone dressed as Greengrass for their new mascot.

         West Brom could have the theme tune to Columbo, cos they don’t have a clue. Chelsea could drop all this ridiculous pretence of working class roots and replace that skinhead moonstop nonsense with the reggae-accordion mash up that is the Theme Tune to Bergerac. Perfect for a squad full of ageing millionaires who frequently get into bother with the police and are contemplating a life as tax exiles.

     But I must admit I’m struggling to think of a suitable TV Crime Fighting Theme that Hull City could use in their final bid for continued Premier League football. Hang on a minute though … let’s have a look at this fixture list and study the final few games  … Liverpool … Aston Villa … Man Utd.

     Well it’s obvious isn’t it? It has to be Mission Impossible.